i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
