Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
