i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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