She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
