so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
