right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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