I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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