Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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