so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
