I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
