Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
