Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
