she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
