Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
