My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
