Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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