At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
