i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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