I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When are your genitals available?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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