She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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