Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
