So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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