I have demons in me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
