Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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