when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
