Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This toilet bowl is my home.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
