glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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