My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So many bounce houses so little time
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
