I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
