i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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