I will die if light touches me.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
