you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
