You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
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