i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
