dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
