did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
