I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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