We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
