Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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