Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
