my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You are a genius and a whore.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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