Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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