Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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