I haven't been this sober since birth.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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