She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
