I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
