yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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