You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
