But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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