i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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