If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
