He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i believe in u and ur pee
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
