and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
