happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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