I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
so much tequila, so little girl.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
