Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
