I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
