Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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