I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
