No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
