I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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