My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
