my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
