Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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