so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
