I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
