At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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